You’ve seen the marketing campaigns boasting: ‘Everything is bigger in Texas.’ Too bad this now includes a new environmentally detrimental claim to fame according to a recent AP story.

Texas is the biggest, baddest state - environmentally speaking - with the highest level of carbon emissions in the U.S. thanks to a combination of culprits such as coal-burning power plants, oil and gas refineries, post-BBQ flatulence, and excessive, unnecessary vehicle emissions spewed forth by the preferred vehicle of Texas: big, gas-guzzling trucks. Whether or not they have anything to haul, Texans LOVE their pickup trucks or some other ridiculously huge vehicle with passenger capacity of 8 but usually only ever transporting ONE human being from point A to B with cargo that would easily fit in a Toyota Matrix and not even with the seat down! YEEHAW!

Admittedly, the oil industry annoys me to the core but they’re tough to wrangle. While most carbon emissions can be blamed on our beloved friends in the oil industry – another of our favorites here at WTF – these oblivious or selfish(pick one) twanging Texan toucans can make a difference but won’t because of the mentality prevalent in Texas. Trucks are the way of life there and for fak’s sake, there is no other way of life but the Texas way of life; therefore how dare we ask them to change it?

Because of this not-so-conspicuous consumption, Texas kicks out nearly as much carbon emissions as that of a small nation. That is fakin pathetic and inexcusable. Americans in general are very guilty with driving when they could walk and driving much larger vehicles than actually necessary to suit their transportation needs but Texans, in particular, take the cake. I’ve traveled extensively around the U.S. and have NEVER seen as many fakin pickup trucks and large SUVS as I did when I traveled straight across Texas – all 700+ miserable miles of it. According to quotes in the AP article, many of these drivers openly admit they don’t need the big truck; they just like it because they’re a Texan and they’re going to drive it because that’s what Texans do. Stupid fakers!

I’m sure though all of these trucks make for a lovely stimulating backdrop when our pal W hosts his Saudi sweetie Abdullah at the Crawford Ranch for whatever those 2 kids do when they get together. Surely, His Royal Oiliness gets quite the hard-on from trips to Texas – nothing more arousing than gazing out upon the vast Texan sea of Ford F-150s when you’re the guy in charge of the country swimming in oil. Last week while hanging with the head Saudi fak at his palatial crib while most Saudi citizens eek by in squalor, concerned US President W broke from sword dancing arm-in-arm with Abdullah to make a plea to OPEC to increase production because those pickups get mighty thirsty and those Texans ain’t got no plans on trading them in for hybrids or subcompacts anytime soon. That is for dang sure as W would say!

Texas truly is an amazing place. Take perfectly logical, intelligent people from anywhere else in the U.S. and relocate them to Texas. What happens next will blow your mind unless you’ve been through this before. Even so, you’re never quite ready for what is about to happen.

I recently lost a friend………….to Texas and am still mourning the loss of what was previously a rationally thinking human being. The change so swift and extreme, you can’t help but wonder if this is the work of a cult or if aliens abducted your friends, sucked out their brains and filled that space with a chanting device hypnotizing them into believing they have landed at the center of the fak-forsaken universe where they are now to spend the rest of their lives paying homage for this grand honor bestowed upon them: a life in Texas – more gratifying than even their wildest, wettest dreams. Even if something is EXACTLY the same as it is somewhere else, somehow, don’t ask me how, somehow it is better in Texas. Did you know they have swimming pools there and lakes and streams and electricity? Simply fakin amazing!

The move into Texas is the equivalent of undergoing a drive-thru lobotomy with a super-sized reduction in the common sense department. I say this because the symptoms are uncannily similar: major personality changes that resemble mental retardation leaving behind a mere unrecognizable remnant of the person you used to know.

Do not panic! There is an explanation: Your friend is not suffering from some mind-altering mental illness but is now…………..a Texan……….which is kind of the same thing. Treat him/her with the same caution you would a volatile mental patient suffering from an incurable affliction you cannot understand for the life of you. Turning Texan is very much like contracting herpes; it may be somewhat controllable but is there for life. Like herpes, there is no cure but rather now must be accepted and dealt with. Recognizing the signs is key: Once the newly annointed Texan begins a statement with: “In Texas WE(insert some sort of blather here)” the show is over. The Texafied goner, now will take on the persona of every other fakin Texan who insists Texas is the best place that could ever happen to you, me, or any other living being.

As the old saying goes: You can take the person out of Texas but cannot take the Texas out of the person. The mentality embeds itself into the deepest recesses of what used to be a perfectly normal mind even if the person was born and raised elsewhere and formerly hacked on Texas just as I am here. What the fak happened you may ask? How could this be the same person?

We can explain comets and black holes and meteorites but most of us perplexed as to this insta-Texan phenomenon robbing us of friends we used to actually, um, like. Well now we may have a possible answer to this long-standing puzzle: astronomical pollution levels killing off brain cells at expedient rates - practically vaporizing the human brain after reprogramming it to believe Texas is actually the center of the universe, the fountain of youth, the cure for what ails you, the Holy Grail, the meaning of life, and the answer to an even more pressing question: where do all the lost socks end up when they go missing from the laundry? Once fully transformed into a Texan, the person is left with mush where a brain used to be therefore there is NO way the person has enough reasoning power to deduce that Texas may be bigger but certainly is NOT better than anywhere but the average hellhole.

Can we actually attribute this phenomenon to pollution levels alone? This doesn’t make any sense. There MUST be places with higher carbon emissions levels than Texas: places even more environmentally faked-up like China and India. Why aren’t we seeing such mind-altering effects there but only in Texas?

How is it possible for people to confuse the 2nd largest US state with a holy land as if it’s the Mecca or Jerusalem of the Western world? What the FAK is it about Texas that is so magnanimous?

Sure it’s a great place to illegally cross the border if you’re a destitute Central American hoping to earn a somewhat more livable wage than you could back home. In this case, I could almost understand embracing Texas as your oasis but this attitude is shared by allegedly educated middle and upper class Americans too. This is a place where line-dancing in a dilapidated barn is a cultural art; where bails of hay are considered proper furniture and probably on display at the Houston IKEA; where you have ‘dress’ cowboy boots, hat, and pickup truck for fancy occasions when you want to stink of cheap cologne rather than cow or pig manure; where girls can blame loss of their virginity on the honky tonk’s mechanical bull. After all, Texas has made many enriching cultural contributions to our world: it was the setting for cheesy 1980s nighttime soap opera Dallas that left everyone wondering: Who the fak shot J.R.? as if it ACTUALLY mattered; Texas gave us the likes of such buxom bimbos as Jessica Simpson and Anna Nicole Smith – both such renowned talent and for whom we are forever grateful to the Lone Star state.

The billowing carbon emissions explain all the fuss over the Grayed State of Texas: oxygen deprivation from smog inhalation. Without enough oxygen to the brain, clear perception disintegrates and people start to believe that which is not true. People hallucinate Texas as a gilded place with special powers to make everything better than it could be anywhere else in the world. Breathe enough carbon emissions and this is what results. People thrilled to death to live in a place like Texas.

In nearly the 800 miles of Texas I observed on a cross country drive, do you know what I most enjoyed about Texas? LEAVING! Crossing the border from Texas into Louisiana truly was one of the happiest moments of my life. I imagined this to be the same sort of exhilarating relief a teenage girl feels when her pregnancy test reads negative. I also never thought I could appreciate Louisiana to the degree I did that day – mostly for the simple fact it was NOT Texas.

Note to Texans: Please do NOT attempt to convince me otherwise if you’re offended by this and feel we didn’t give your beloved state a fair shake. We know the truth hurts and for those of you offended, you’re too mindless to feel much of anything so this can’t feel like much more than a bee sting or stubbing your toe.