Football-inspired stupidity

It’s that time of year we’re reminded of the human capacity for stupidity specific to football. American football that is - not European football or soccer as it’s called in the US. While I discuss the American phenomena of football-inspired moronics here, I will openly admit this is one of the few times I must judge European football fans much worse than Americans – often riots break out and attending a ‘football’ game in Europe especially when it’s a game between 2 vicious rivals can literally be dangerous. The fans reach a level of nuts the Americans have yet to master but something to which to aspire. While not nearly as insanely combative, the American counterparts do a pretty decent job of exhibiting a category of stupidity I can only classify as ‘sports-specific stupid’ especially when it comes to their beloved football.

Take a stroll through the average American supermarket on a Sunday before a football game – especially in a city with an NFL team and you will surely witness some, if not all, of what I’m about to describe. If you’re not ‘one of them,’ you probably observe as most do animals in zoos – curiously puzzled by the inexplicable behavior by what are supposed to be: intelligent life forms. Be prepared if you do your grocery shopping on a Sunday during football season because the obsessed football fans transform the store into the football zone: a land of dolts yammering on from aisle to aisle in football chatter as if their lives depend on the outcome of the GAME. You’d hope as their team of choice dies off as the season progresses, the chatter would dull but NO. The wishy washy fans then abandon their usual favorite team and adopt a team that continues to play once their usual team has been eliminated. By the time we reach the weekend of the world’s most important holiday: Super Bowl Sunday, fans simply substitute their new favorite team’s name into their usual mindless banter about their old favorite team(ie the team that failed to advance to championship games but still secretly remains 'the best' and only failed because of bad calls by unfair referrees). Amazing how quickly football fans learn stats and player names of the new team yet their brain fails them on much simpler things like not getting into the ‘10 or fewer items’ express lane with 500 items in their shopping cart or how to pay with their debit card. No grasp of such simplistic concepts yet we can talk the football talk ad nauseam in preparation for every fakin game.

Yes, that’s right folks, it’s a fakin GAME and unless you own the team or have bet your house on the outcome like a truly stupid fak, the outcome doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. While not a sports fan, I can understand some people enjoy watching sports or playing sports as a form of recreation. There is nothing wrong with that as long as we keep reality in check. It’s this over the top obsession ‘suffered’ by such a huge population that puzzles me. What the fak is SO stupefying about football that it turns otherwise reasonable individuals into a sort of caveman/woman species who cannot accept the reality that it’s JUST a game and that it doesn’t really matter to the overall state of the world or their lives? For the sake of the argument, I will refer to fans as males although I’m very aware there are plenty of females just as stupid over sports. From more observation than I’d like to have year after year, I’ve simply observed more males acting out their football obsession than females.

You know it all too well as the irritating banter heard far and wide from August until January/February. “We’re going to kick your ass” says one big dumb fak fan of one team set to play the team of the other big dumb fak at the next supermarket register just because dumb fak A is sporting one team’s sweatshirt while dumb fak B is sporting that of the opposing team. Usually it’s just mildly annoying as both dumb faks purposely don their team’s gear in order to pick these ‘fights’ in public places because otherwise no one would talk to them or pay attention to them. Most often, both dumb faks exchange their threats, laugh it off, go about their lives – as sorry as they may be. I find the ‘ass-kicking’ threats particularly comical when the 2 faks in question are extremely overweight, pregnant with beer bellies achieved by pounding volume of cheap light beer like real men do. These obviously out of shape bumpkins can barely make the walk required for the junk food/beer run without taking a break to catch their breath and can hardly bend over because of the baby keg they’re toting around thanks to their ongoing tumultuous affair with Coors BUT they’re going to kick someone else’s ass like that of a football player who actually could run the length of the field over and over and over again Sunday after Sunday and all week in training.

By no means am I glorifying the players the fans love to hate but yet idolize no less. As far as I’m concerned, most of the NFL players are dumber than the pigskin and would probably be in jail if it weren’t for football since their only claim to fame is the ability to throw and catch a ball and run really fast as if they’re outrunning the police – which some have experience doing. But you cannot deny the physicality – whether medicinally enhanced or not – required to play this game and let’s face it: the average football fan wouldn’t last more than a few yards head to head with the guys they scream insults at during the games as if they are physically capable of competing or outplaying the NFL players.

Therefore, when I’m privy to these intellectually-stimulating conversations between 2 average football fans busting chops as part of football team rivalry, I’m often tempted to intervene and ask the dolts to show me how they can kick each others’ asses because I’m dying to see it or invite them to kick my ass since I’m a girl. I’ll bet I stand a better chance of kicking both their asses than they do of each other and then running off unscathed while they pant for air miles behind me yet they’re going to take on a professional football player to show him how it’s done. I often wish I could once witness an encounter between a loud-mouthed fan and the football player they’re criticizing – maybe the guy’s shopping in the next aisle, overhears the conversation, and comes forth to invite Mr. Big Mouth Football Fan to try to choke the life out of him for that botched play last week as the fan said he would if he had the chance. That I’d pay to see!

I just find it funny – sorry. What is more comical than the empty threats voiced by aforementioned lard-ass losers or the Monday morning commentary from the armchair quarterbacks about what the players and/or coaches should’ve done had they only been gifted with the average football fan’s intellectual grasp of football logistics guaranteed to win every game/every time? Such spouted nonsense is usually prefaced with: ‘I would’ve – insert some physically demanding move here’ while again spoken by a guy who can’t bend over to tie his shoes let alone run the distance of a football field once – forget about repeatedly. Yes dumb fak, you would’ve done this or that and would’ve masterfully altered the game plan with a foolproof strategy the team of coaches failed to see from the actual sidelines rather than from your living room recliner where you have all the answers. I can understand your frustration especially as you could be earning millions of dollars as the rightful head coach or quarterback should someone have recognized your blossoming talents from under the pile of potato chip crumbs, pork rind stains, and sea of empty cheap beer cans that serve as your teammates every Sunday. Perhaps this is also why these footballaholics refer to ‘their team’ as ‘we’ as if they are, in fact, a member of the team rather than a mere observer of the team. ‘We’ this and ‘we’ that heard repeatedly when any of these dolts discuss ‘their team.’ Why? Do they have ownership in the team or play for the team? Usually the answer is no.

There is no connection whatsoever except a fictional belonging to the team they venerate. Perhaps it’s a need to belong to something – a sports mentality. Being part of something is better than standing on your own, right? Easier to be part of a group than your own person, and usually the weak attach themselves to an established group – gee this sounds like religion – because it’s easier to follow than lead but still I don’t get it. What the fak is the reasoning behind this attachment/obsession/cult/mania of absolute football fandom? How does this obsessive love of football make people do things as insanely ridiculous as pay their respects to a dead football player’s parking space as this guy did when Washington Redskins’ Sean Taylor was killed? It’s a PARKING SPACE for fak’s sake. What is it about football that makes people lose their minds? We have no fakin idea!

When we encounter something that makes us say ‘what the fak’ immediately we try to sort the logic behind why the fak this is. Call us crazy thinkers. We can’t help ourselves any more than the crazed fan who believes he MUST wear his thread-bare lucky team hat for every game as not to jinx the team. Surely the outcome of the game directly affected by his dedication to both the hat and his weekly ritual of inhaling greasy pizza and chugging through his 24 pack of Miller Lite burping and farting to his heart’s content in front of his big screen tv. Completely asinine but try telling him that!

We cannot help but examine these exhibits of human stupidity scientifically because we wonder ‘why the fak’ for every instance we utter ‘what the fak’ and seldom can we do more than speculate the cause behind people’s stupid actions because despite careful evaluation, we can't fathom the reason behind it.

Quite possibly you’d think, this whacky sports fan behavior is a side effect of the average Joe who can’t get noticed – a pipe dream that’ll never be: to achieve fame, to have his name in lights and autograph demanded by streams of fans but no. Apparently this isn’t just the plight of the unseen, little people dying to be recognized, dying for a taste of recognition and idolatry. It’s not just the ‘illness’ of the average Joe but affects even those very well-known to the public. They too just as prone to stupidity as their fellow fans who worship the institute of football as its very own deity.

Take Sopranos star Joe Gannoscoli who got the bright idea to dye his dog blue to prove his loyalty to his favorite team: the New York Giants as part of some ‘How Blue Are You?’ contest. Alternate reports put the blame of ‘Smurfifying’ the dog on his wife. Regardless, dying a dog blue to show team support is fakin stupid and borderline abusive. How the fak does such an act prove your loyalty to a team? Wear the hat or t-shirt or be an annoyance at the supermarket trading banter with other fans but leave the pets alone. Why do you owe your football team more loyalty and respect than your dog who puts up with your stupidity on a daily basis? Could the poor dog look any more disgusted with both Joe and his wife in the photo?

The football blogger applauds this moronic move: He calls using the dog a ‘brilliant move’ rather than if Joe had dyed his own hair blue. But then again, this is the opinion of a football blogger. Need I say more? Maybe we could hold him down and glue blur fur to him and see if he gets the same laugh. I think people who face paint or engage in other ludicrous behaviors to show team support are simply idiotic but I can live with the fact people will do stupid things we cannot stop BUT when they drag their innocent kids or pets into it, that’s when I really get annoyed.

Rule #1: don’t impose your stupidity on other living beings, ok?

Did you consider the harm possibly done to the dog other than making him the laughing stock of the neighborhood or did you think the other dogs wouldn’t notice white Fido(what an original name) is now blue? What if poor Fido had an allergic reaction to the dye and got sick or died? Is it worth killing your dog or making him sick for your selfish display of stupidity over a football game/team?

Why the fak do people think it’s ok to impose their stupid crap on their pets? If you want to go paint a football helmet on your bald head as is mentioned in the football blog, I think you’re a fakin imbecile BUT at least you’re only embarrassing and potentially harming yourself and not some innocent animal who can probably outsmart you without trying too hard.

It’s often said that animals are stupid but this example only proves how the human population continues to ‘outstupid’ even the dumbest animal especially as humans are supposed to know better but prove the opposite with an endless series of egregiously stupid acts solely those of humankind.