Lady Liberty's Modern Makeover

As America marks another Independence Day, we reflect upon what America's become in those 234 years since it told Great Britain to go fak herself when it adopted the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776. No, Virginia, July 4^th's not about fireworks, bbqs, and waving American flags made in China as the average American seems to believe. We contemplate the true intentions of the founding fathers, so often referenced by the religiwhacks who wrongly insist that America is a Christian nation, especially when they're trying to force their falsified version of history into public school textbooks in Texas. We must ask ourselves: "If you're so certain the founding fathers intended America as a Christian nation, then why the fak do you feel it necessary to rewrite history? But, it seems one must rewrite history when actual history doesn't quite match the bullshit you're trying to peddle as history."  

On this July 4, we think upon the ideal notion that was America: a great idea in theory but an experiment that's gone horribly wrong over time courtesy of greed, stupidity, arrogance, etc or the Idiocracy this democracy has become. We're quite certain the founding fathers would be as disappointed in their grown-up America as are parents who slaved to pay for their kid's college education only to have her turn into a crack whore. Surely, the America of 2010 would make most or all of the founding fathers exclaim: "WHAT THE FAK happened here because this land ain't the land we had in mind. And, by the way: what thefak's an iPhone, and why are these morons queuing for hours to be the first to have one? And while we're at it, who's threatening to invade because it seems everyone's armed? What the FAK's up with that?"

America may ‘have come a long way baby' only to go nowhere. If anything, America's become the equivalent of the guy who loses 100lbs on Nutrisystem only to gain back the 100lbs along with another 50 as soon as he reverts to eating regular food.

Just look to the symbolic beacon, the Statue of Liberty, as proof of our assessment. How accurately does her inscription depict today's America? Lady Liberty is long overdue for a modern makeover or she may run the risk of being accused of a bait and switch scam. Rather than the welcome mat she is, the statue should warn new immigrants about exactly what they're getting themselves into here if they dare venture into the gun-happy Prozac sphere.

As we fully believe in truth in advertising, we propose some updates to both the statue herself and her inscription. As advertising firms update marketing campaigns as the population demographics change as to accurately reflect the changing face of America, so should the lady on Ellis Island who may not be so much of a lady once she undergoes her WTF-suggested extreme makeover.