Just the true facts ma'am

The latest media buzz surrounding the destruction of recorded CIA interrogations of al-Qaida terror suspects renders some rather comical elements. While there’s nothing funny about torture, I can’t help but laugh to think some people don’t necessarily consider waterboarding a form of torture. How can such a practice be misconstrued as if it’s comparable to a Beverly Hills spa treatment? Forced to feel you’re drowning easily confused with an aquatic shiatsu massage? Amusing to say the least.

However, something even more amusing popped up in an ABC story I was mentally chuckling through. While denying any knowledge of the CIA’s destruction of interrogation tapes, Bush said: “It will be interesting to know what the true facts are” in reference to the recently launched inquiry into the matter. True facts, eh? What a guy! Lighten the otherwise somber mood by cracking a classic Bushism, and I admit I just LOVE a twitty Bushism. Like those crazed beanie baby collectors perpetually scouting Ebay, I simply can’t get enough when it comes to W’s knack of showcasing his grand command of English to further prove he has no business being the commander in chief of anything more than his socks or maybe the box of toothpicks every good Texan totes in his shirt pocket for those times you’re overwhelmed with the desire to chew on them for no apparent reason in public.

By nature of definition, a fact is true. Something true is a fact. The words true and fact: synonymous – which means they’re the same W. There are no ‘true lies’ unless you’re talking about that film starring Arnold Schwarzenegger. Therefore, when you say something as numbskulled as ‘true fact,’ it’s about as redundant as ‘stupid Bush’ because technically those 2 words are also painfully equal thanks to the vast catalog of brilliant statements uttered over the years by this wingding occupying the White House.

But then again, W’s the master of redundancy especially in those frightening instances the teleprompter goes blank or there’s no little voice in his ear telling him what to say next or some speech writer (ie former children’s author to keep in line with the prez’s vocabular comfort zone) faks up with inclusion of a more than 2 syllable word, and POTUS is metaphorically caught with his pants down. During those horrendous, ad-lib moments, the real show begins because spontaneity ain’t W’s forte.

Sit back and watch W become the embodiment of clumsy redundancy as he tries to fill the uncomfortable silence by talking about the same damn thing in as many different ways as his very limited, 2^nd grade vocabulary will allow. Perhaps he missed his calling as the $100K Pyramid game show champion of all time since the best players were masters of cluing their partner towards a word through a string of its closest synonyms.

After W smirks his trademark dullard, ‘Fak now what do I do?’ smirk, he breaks into – for fak’s sake – ad-lib mode and oh-so-eloquently struts his cerebral stuff. Spooky! This is a guy who shouldn’t sing Happy Birthday without cue cards. You’d think someone would’ve told him long ago: “You’re no Bill Clinton so please if the monitor goes blank or earpiece silent, please PLEASE pretend you’re an Arkansas redneck on Cops under arrest for a bout of drunken domestic violence and exercise your right to remain silent. Keep your mouth shut and the worst anyone can ever accuse you of is that glazed over blank empty-headed stare so common in America these days, it won’t appear that out of the ordinary.”

But then again, his impetuous impulse to ad-lib does guarantee endless profit for some. Bushism book publishers need not fear a shortage of material while this joker’s in office because like a brick, W doesn’t learn so there’s no chance he’ll EVER stop saying stupid things. Honestly, I cannot believe he’s faked up in such comedic volume, there’s been an entire thriving MARKET created thanks to his presidential(or not so presidential) misspeaks now printed in books, on calendars, splashed across t-shirts, underwear, coffee mugs, toilet paper. All of those comments absolve him of guilt because they clearly illustrate that this guy literally does not know what he says. No comprehension whatsoever so how can we blame him for the mess he’s created?

His entire presidency has been history’s greatest misunderstanding. For all of you, myself included, who scorn his foreign policy especially his affinity for ill-belaunched wars based on what we deem ‘lies,’ understand this: in W’s world, there is no clear indication of right from wrong because he clearly does not fathom that ‘just cause’ or ‘factual evidence’ means you’re talking about something that is TRUE. He’s not really a bad guy at all but rather a very ignorant and confused guy. In his mind, facts need not be true. Therefore, when he justified a war with the claim it was fact that Saddam had weapons of mass destruction, we are the ones that misunderstood. He didn’t mean the ‘true facts’ or fact as is commonly defined by those of us graced with functioning brains. He meant a Bush fact and with a Bush fact, truth and lies are also synonymous.