Beware this Easter: Crucifixion could be hazardous to your health.

I’m all for the Easter bunny and Easter egg hunt for the kids but some seem to feel it more festive to hang from the cross just like their hero Jesus allegedly did many eons ago. Firstly, the whole Jesus story is questionable in itself. Personally I find the story hard to buy and if you watch films like The God Who Wasn’t There, there is a long list of things that don’t add up and poke enough holes in what I deem the best fictional story of all time, the Jesus fable, to make it look like Swiss cheese or Boris Yeltsin's liver.

Even if you disagree with my position and you choose to deny logic and buy the Jesus tale and insist upon believing in fairy tales, why not just attend church, sing some funny songs, buy a few Easter lilies, chow down on your basket of chocolates left by a generous bunny, color some eggs with the kids, bake a big ham and be done with it? Why the fak would you even consider being nailed to a cross? Do these whacks think they’ll be upgraded to the posh side of heaven if they voluntarily endure a degree of pain usually disbursed by the likes of guys like Donald Rumsfeld? I just don’t get it.

It seems this is quite the annual Easter event in the Philippines as per a recent BBC story. Maybe they don’t have Cadbury eggs there or those pastel colored Hershey’s candy assortments or marshmallow peeps. This apparently is what happens if you live in a society without those sugary marshmallow peeps because the Philippines isn't the only place where this insanity occurs, and I'll bet if you checked, everywhere else it happens also does NOT have ample Easter candy assortments. If you have Easter baskets to fill, odds are you will not have time to crucify yourself rather than for the extra weight you may have gained over the holiday from hitting the kids' Easter baskets more often than you should have.

But, in the Philippines, no Easter egg hunts to mark the season hence the fascination with crucifixion. So the Filipino government has stepped up and voiced some health advisory tips on crucifixion for those fanatical types dead set on taking part in the Christian extreme sport of crucifixion. Ah how nice to have the government looking out for its citizens.

Interestingly enough, this is the same government that doesn’t give a fak about citizens’ health when it comes to sexual issues such as AIDS prevention because it takes a strong anti-contraception stance – in the name of religion of course – and makes condoms nearly impossible to get even to prevent the spread of disease in the sex trade. The Filipino government also refuses to accept abortion as an option should the mother’s life be at risk to continue a pregnancy. Remember, it has its citizens' best health interests in mind as long as you’re a good Catholic citizen and don't need an abortion or a condom or birth-control pills.

Everyone knows a good crucifixion re-enactment begins with some self-inflicted ass-kicking. That’s right: every good Christian’s favorite S&M activity: self-flagellation. Actually Islamic fundamentalists big fans of this as well and a good example of traits shared between warring religions despite their insistence that it’s all so different.

If you insist upon kicking your own ass in the name of Jesus, the Filipino government reminds you to do so wisely. It advises devout followers to be sure to only use well-maintained whips and to get a tetanus shot beforehand. Soaking nails in alcohol also highly advisable. If you insist upon having nails hammered through your hands and feet before hanging from a cross, take care to protect your health so you don’t end up with a raging infection or gangrene or something nasty but then again, if you’re going to mock Jesus, you’d better be prepared to suffer right?

I’d like to take it a few steps further. I’d advise crucifixion participants to carefully choose a well-shared area for the crucifixion enactment and hydrate regularly to avoid heatstroke. Perhaps some type of drinking head gear like those funneled helmets popular in college frat houses for beer guzzling because remember, your hands will be tied up or nailed up in this case at all times. Fak, what if you get an itch? Things to consider folks. Hmm, maybe wearing a baseball hat also a good idea to protect your head from too much sun exposure. I think that about covers it. Oh yeah, you might also want to eat a well-balanced, hearty breakfast. I’m unsure as to the caloric requirements for such an activity but I’d imagine you’d burn up some major calories with all of the pain and hanging so I wouldn’t skip breakfast that day.

Do you fucking believe these health tips? The fact that the government of the Philippines is a proponent of crucifixion AND has a department of health strikes me as an oxymoron, and then toss in the whole ‘no condoms for sex workers’ position and well, it makes no faking sense to me. Why bother having a department of health when you take insane positions such as these 2 mere examples of total disregard for health? Why not admit health is basically a gamble for the average Filipino citizen because the government strictly adheres to faked up Catholic principles that don’t work in the real world? I wonder if the Filipino healthcare system provides coverage for religiously inflicted injury. Maybe it is covered and goes on God’s tab.

If you’re living within the U.S. though and decide to try your hand at crucifixion, be prepared to cover your own medical expenses because there is no faking way in hell, Uncle Sam or your overpriced insurance policy is going to cover self-inflicted infection because you decided to drill holes through your own hands. I mean, for fak’s sake, most emergency room visits are rejected for reimbursement by insurance companies that deem them as ‘unnecessary’ or something that could’ve been addressed in a scheduled doctor’s appointment. You know – very foreseeable things like car accidents and gunshot wounds from a drive-by shooting because of the American love affair with firearms. Insurance companies feel you could’ve waited to see your regular doctor during regular business hours if you just had some patience and applied pressure to the bleeding. If you die in the meantime, well that saves the insurance company the cost of having to provide additional healthcare and saves you the hassle of having to fight them for it so everyone wins. I’ll bet in the Philippines though you’d be covered for injury sustained in the name of religion because they’d argue that it was God’s will for people to do such ludicrous things to prove their devotion and who's to argue with God's will? Just don’t dare ask for an abortion or some condoms and all will be well. If you get pregnant and can't afford the baby, sorry, you're screwed because your pregnancy is God's will. Same goes with AIDS contraction due to lack of condom: again, God's will. You're faked: God's will.

Back to this crucifixion issue though: I must wonder how people are selected because there are only so many crosses to go around unless China gets wind of this potential Easter product line expansion and starts mass producing crosses to meet the demands of fanatical Catholics during the Easter season. Why stop at cheap disposable Easter baskets, those hollow plastic eggs used in Easter egg hunts, cellophane basket wrap or that plastic stringy grass to fill baskets and then gets all over the house, the kids, the dog, etc? Buyer beware though: I wouldn’t put too much faith in a Chinese-produced cross given the crap quality of Chinese goods in general. Odds are you’ll fall to your death from one of those flimsy Chinese crosses. If you’re a serious crucifixion aficionado, you may want to spend a little more and go for handcrafted Canadian hardwood to prevent plummeting to your death from a poorly constructed cross made from some lightweight cheapie wood also widely used to produce the assembly-required furniture parents buy for their kids’ dorm rooms from retail giants like Walmart or Target. If you decide not to be crucified next year, surely you can unload the hardwood cross on Ebay. Just be sure to remove your blood and sterilize for the next guy.

I imagine there’d be a market for such an event though. Maybe even t-shirts like:”I attended the 2008 Crucifixion-alapolooza and all I got was this crappy t-shirt” or ‘Got nails?’ or the words ‘Just Hangin’ printed atop a crucifixion scene. So with such enthusiasts following this yearly event, I’m sure there must be a selection process for a limited hanging space event but the question is what is the process? What do they do to determine the lucky participants? Sell tickets at the local fairs alongside the cotton candy and kiddy rides? Maybe there’s a duck shooting game: “Step right up; step right up for a chance to become the new Catholic idol?” I’d better watch – the Pope may declare war on me but then again, the church supposedly frowns on this event. Yeah, right.

Sounds like we could have a new reality series on our hands – the Filipino version of American Idol complete with a Filipino panel of judges modeled after Simon, Paula & Randy. Surely there is a trio of Filipino judges to fill the shoes of Obnoxious Judge, Trampy Judge, and Previously Plumpy and now more closely resembles a woman than a man Judge somewhere in the Philippines. Billboards around Manila: Are YOU the next Catholic Idol? No singing and dancing necessary but rather how you wail when you’re nailed to the cross. Catch phrases like: 'Can you take a good nailing?' No sexual pun intended – well maybe a little.

Finally a competition where looks don’t matter; finally an even playing field for both the beautiful and ugly people of the world to fairly compete side by side – although I suspect the uglies would have the advantage in messiahistic aesthetics. No one wants to see a pretty Jesus – look at the success of Mel Gibson’s Passion of the Christ where more blood pouring out meant astronomical ticket sales pouring into the box office.

I can see it now – every year, crazed Catholics clamoring for their chance and like the game show Jeopardy, we even have returning champions such as the fish vendor mentioned in the BBC news story. He’s returning for his 15^th and final crucifixion; this guy a true Jesus wannabe even sporting the trademark crown of thorns and sandals. Yeah they always say it’s their last season just to pack in the crowds and next year, who’s back for more? I wonder though how that works. I mean, did you ever try to hang a picture on the wall in old holes from previous wall hangings? Usually the nail doesn’t hold because every time you hit the drywall in the same spot, it weakens. I wonder if that happens with hands and feet too. Kind of gross but probably something else to be considered for guys like the fish vendor. It’s bad enough when your picture falls down and scares the crap out of you in the middle of the night but could you imagine what a pain in the ass if your hand won’t hold the nail because year after year you insist upon getting nailed to the cross? Could get rather messy. But then again, that’s the price you pay for being warped on religion.