From Which Universe Is She?

No one could accuse Miss Universe, Dayana Mendoza, offailing to fulfill her duties as Miss Universe if she had been tasked with representing universal stupidity. Mendoza shocked the public with her gushingly complimentary review of her visit to the US prison camp at GuantanamoBay in Cuba, a camp now synonymously defined by its reputation for harsh treatment (ie torture) inflicted upon those unlawfully detained as suspected terrorists.

The Venezuelan dumpling, though,categorized Gitmo as ‘SOOOOOO beautiful' in her original blog entryabout hervisit. Too bad site designers didn't have the foresight to install a Gmail-like feature - something like an 'unstupid' guard that delayed publishing anything the air brain wrote without supervision of someone with an IQ higher than that of a peanut. The blog's been amended since to explain she was merely commenting onthe hospitality US soldiers extended to her. What else would a hot chick expect from a group of guys stuck in that sort of environment? She was the oasis inthe middle of the desert for fak's sake. If you browse a few of her original comments preserved through stories by various news organizations, you'd swear she had to be confusing it with a posh sea-side resort rather than the hell hole torture chamber complex it is. Calling it ‘a calm and beautiful place,' Miss Twitaverse said she didn'twant to leave such a ‘relaxing place' after her visit to boost morale of US troops and tour of the facilities. For some reason, I get the feeling she didn't exactly get the reality tour unless she's one twisted bitch. Of course, at the end, she took home a necklace as a souvenir whereas other contestants will go home (if they ever go home) with parting gifts including: a palette of scars from the deep-tissue massage administered tenderly by the well-trained staff and a lifetime subscription to the Nightmare Network.

But I can identify her sadness upon departure. We've all had fantastic holidays and grumped our way back to the airport fighting the reality that faced us at home: jobs, bills, kids. However, as Miss Universe, surely her travel agents can pull some strings and book her a deluxe cell before Obama closes ‘Paradise by the Bay.' This time,though, she should insist upon being treated like a ‘regular prisoner' rather than as a celebrity since as we all know mixing with the natives on our trips so much more enriching in a cultural sense. No special treatment for this pretty thing! Lovely Dayana needs a good dose of reality and then let's see how many smileys appear in her post-trip blog! So book another stay; however, Sweet Pea, leave the curling iron at home along with your glam wardrobe and forget closet space. But don't worry: you won't need it. They'll have everything you need on site at the ‘resort.' By the way, how do you lookin an orange jumpsuit?

Maybe this time, she can upgrade her travel package and indulge in some of the facility's multiple amenities cited in International Committee of the Red Cross' report. Yes, Dayana, as a VIP (very ignorant prisoner), during your relaxing, peaceful stay in Guantanamo, the US military would be happy to offer you at least 3 a la carte services from the following: water-boarding, beatings, sleep deprivation, prolonged stress standing, prolonged nudity, confinement in a box, denial of solid food (which she's probably already used to as a former model). We know you think water-boarding's all the rage BUT let us tell you, you have NOT lived until you've been confined in a box. Trust us - HEAVEN!