Sting a bit too smart for you?

According to Reuters, some genius at a music magazine named Sting one of the worst lyricists because of ‘mountainous pomposity and cloying spirituality.’ He’s been charged with injecting a name of a Russian novelist into a song and littering others with quotes from Shakespeare and Chaucer. OH the horror!

Let’s face it: Sting must be stopped. Imagine the societal damage a man of such fame and influence capable of if allowed to freely include literary references in his popular music. We can’t do much about his past hit songs BUT we should not allow him to continue. It is very possible someone listening may hear a reference, wonder about it, google it, and learn that it’s from a Shakespearean play. You know where that could lead? The person might actually read the play or see the play and start thinking rather than watching some mind-numbing reality series. We certainly don’t want to instigate thought. That’d be dangerous. Imagine how scary a nation full of thinkers could be. Ohhhh, I know that sends chills down your spine.

I personally always admired Sting for his keen ability to paint mental scenery with lyrics that weave literary references together with natural imagery. What results more often than not – granted not every song falls into this category - is what I always considered an intellectual poem set to music. Maybe that’s why I fancy him. However, I’ve noticed this nasty trend of negatively labeling a clear form of intellectualism. Be smart: get picked on. It’s typical schoolyard mentality. The smart kid always get teased. Read books for fun, and the world labels you a weirdo. Tell your officemates that you don’t watch tv, except news, and be prepared to receive some very disturbed looks in response. If you really want to push your luck, tell them you prefer to read non-fiction about complicated political issues like the ongoing situation in the Middle East. Odds are they’ll steer clear of you from then on and may report you to the Department of Homeland Security for suspicious behavior but then again, sadly, reading in America is fast becoming suspicious behavior.

Sounds like the wingding at the music magazine can’t sort Sting’s lyrics out so let’s rag on him. Is he too smart for you? Too deep, cultural, literary? If so, leave him alone and go watch Desperate Housewives or The Bachelor which is probably more your speed and will give you ample chat material for those mindless office gatherings around the water cooler where people stand around wasting their days talking about nothing for at least 30 hours per work week collectively. Perhaps the author should stick with today’s hiphop as it doesn’t require much more than a 1^st grade ghetto vocabulary coupled with basic knowledge of sexual terminology so eloquently described through those oh-so-respectful and classy terms for parts of a woman’s body.

Maybe Sting should stick with enlightening lyrics like 'yo yo you muthafakin ho' OR release ‘for dummies’ versions of his albums for those slower members of the audience entranced by the droning, bass-laden monotonous beat of music only the purely brain-dead could tolerate for longer than 30 seconds.

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